


KARKAT X DAVE X MONEY X TACO!!!!! (shitpost)

by bad_detective



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, F/F, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, Mpreg, Weddings, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:01:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24874276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bad_detective/pseuds/bad_detective
Summary: He had accidently called dat beautiful piece of ass, FAT. Karkat slapped dave, with the might of a man in scorn
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas, Rose Lalonde/Kanaya Maryam
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	KARKAT X DAVE X MONEY X TACO!!!!! (shitpost)

Karkat was hungry, so he decied to go to a taco truck. He atel alll thehe taco. And then he noticed his belly had enlargened to suspicously, the size of a taco truck. He then said “Ι WONDER WHY MY STOMACH IS SO ENLARGENED” and then he said “OH WELL, IT’S PROBABLY JUST THE WEATHER” and then he walked into a bank. He then robs the bank. While eating red crayons that terezi had gave him.

With crayon stained lips, he kisses the cash passionately (with full-on tongue). He walks off with a pep in his step, with a belly so big it drags on for eight meters. AND THEN, in the distance there is dave. Dave trips up on karkats long stomach.

And then he sees the beautiful elongated stomach going on for meters, and then admires the abs hanging off of the end. And mutters to himself in awe “chuckabuba, daddys found his new prey” dave licks his lips, if he could have a boner he would have one. (his pp is so small that it reverses inside of him, so it is physically impossible for him to get a boner) dave runs up to karkat, his hands pulling on the concrete, spit coming out of his mouth. Not caring about the around, only caring for his one true love, dat stomach.

He runs so fast, he manages to run up to karkat, tackling him. And karkat screams “ASSULT OF A DEADLY WEPON, CUZ THAT FACE IS KILLING ME”. And in realization of what he has done, daves face shrivels up inside of him, creating a quadruple chin. But then suddenly the wind changes and his face is stuck like that FOREVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER AND EVER.

Karkat stared at him for a couple of seconds. “you are single handedly the most handsome male-specimen I have ever seen in my life, will you marry me dave strider?”

dave says “nothing would give me more pleasure, but one thing. WHO IS THE FATHER OF UR BBY” in sadness karkat says “what baby?” dave suddenly covered his puckering lips, realizing what he had done. He had accidently called dat beautiful piece of ass, **FAT**. Karkat slapped dave, with the might of a man in scorn

And then karkat proclaims. “AND TO THINK I LOVED U”

ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚✩ ⋆｡˚ ✩

┊ ┊ ┊ ✫

┊ ┊ ✩ 

┊ ⊹ ✯

✯

~`nine months later uwuwuuwuwu`~

karkat is dancing at the club. Twerkin that fine asshole, his belly sloshes around, knocking people clean out. Then he suddenly collapsed. Everyone claps, thinking it was a power move. Suddenly kankri, in drag, head-to-toe in glitter screams “N9999 MY 6R9THER, KARKAT VANTAS, FR9M THE SAME M9THA AND FATHA” kankri clears his throat “YES WE ARE FULL 6R9THERS, IF ANY9NE WAS QUESTI9NING” then dramatically bursts a baby, out of his bottom. “NOoOOooOoo, Myyyy ASSSssSS” karkat blinks, realizing what state the baby was in. it was half taco, half cash, and full Labrador.

Karkat screamed “OH NO, I FORGOT PROTECTION AT THAT NIGHT WHERE I MADE LOVE TO A LABRADOR, NAMED HOT STUFF IN PUERTO RICO. OH THOSE SUMMER NIGHTS WERE LONG AND ROUGH. BUT IT WAS FUN WHILE IT LASTED… CHAD HOT STUFF. I MISS THE WAY UR ABS CURL.,,,, I MEAN,,, THE CASH AND TACOS WERE OKAY TOO? BUT THEY HAD ME WALKIN YONKY. FUCK U!!1!1!”

AND THEN DAVE BURST OUT FROM THE CROWD. He strutted up to karkat confidently, then karkat said “omg u were right!!1!! u weren’t callin me fatt” then dave replies “actually I did but yeahh,,,” then dave stood there, with his quadruple chin still rock solid.

Dave, aggressively wiggles his eyebrows at karkat in a frantic motion. Suddenly, dave grabs his fourth chin, and pulls up a mask. “HELLO, IT’S BEEN A LONG TIME, I MISSED YOU TOO KARKAT mi amor I was chad hotstuff all along ” everyone looked back at dave, and then back at karkat. “WHAT. THE. FUCK.” He says while staring at the mask of a human face on the floor.

The mask looks like a dead goldfish. As a terezi trips up on her heels yelling “0WCH13 W0CH133 1 F33L MY L3G 1S BR0K3N” and everyone screams at the blind woman, known as terezi pyrope, in unison “NO ONE CARES BIATCH” 

Then kankri steps on terezis back, digging in his nine inch heels saying “literally n9 9ne l9ves y9u” terezi then dies. Everyone continues on dancing, like nothing happened.

ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ ゜ﾟ*☆*ﾟ

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚✩ ⋆｡˚ ✩

┊ ┊ ┊ ✫

┊ ┊ ✩ 

┊ ⊹ ✯

✯

~one hour later~ uuwuwuuwuwuwuwu

everything is ready, exept for the fact kankri fired the officiator. Right before the ceremony. And as dave walks up the isle in a suit, without his human mask. Suddenly, kankri walks infront of dave. As the maxi dress sparkles and kankris lilac wig towers above dave, a little pocket knife hangs from kankris diamond earrings. “d9 n9t w9rry, even th9 I have fired the 9fficiator-“ karkat interrupts his brother “YOU. DID. FUCKN. WHAT” kankri squats down so hes eye level with is brother, accidentally flashing everyone

kankri puts his finger ferociously against daves mouth. He has his acrylics shooting up daves nose he says “6e quiet, in drag school, I learned how to officiate weddings…. Kind of. Well actually I learned how to officiate funerals but they’re basically the same thing lol”

then everyone takes their places. As half taco, half cash 100% Labrador walks down the isle. Throwing condoms instead of petals. They all await the husband-to-be. Karkat walks down the isle in his white dress, stained with wine. And it has a hole cut out, to fit the belly. They walk towards dave, they say “woopdeedo this is hawt” in unison

karkat cups daves face In his hand, while kankri stared at them invasively. “are we gonna start this shit or what?” kankri says. Kankri starts saying words, that oddly sound like they belong at a funeral.

“we are here to mourn the loss of insert name” kankri winks at the audience, saying “look, this is what the paper says” the two lesbians, kanaya and rose burst in yelling “I OBJECT!” rose screams. “You Shouldn’t have Taken Such A Long Shit” kanaya says, rose then replies “well my bladder isn’t as throbbing big as your adorable bladder” then kanaya sighs. the lesbeans make out.

Rose says, turning slightly away from kanaya, partially still having their lips together. “oh yeah, carry on with the wedding. We just didn’t want to be late” rose then jumps into kanayas arms. Rapping her lags and arms around her as if she were a koala on a tree.

They sit down in the same position. Even though they have to uncomfortably turn their necks while making out passionately to look at the wedding.

“you are now husband and husband, you may now kiss the husband”

the taco/cash/Labrador baby chucks the rest of the condoms at karkat and dave. Saying “IF I HAVE A SIBLING THEY WILL ANOY THE FUCK OUT ME SO BE FUCKING CAREFUL THIS TIME” then karkat and dave both put their thumbs up at the baby saying “we’ll think about it”

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> this is a fucking shitpost me and a friend made, don't take this seriously.


End file.
